We have all heard stories about someone who gave their partner an ultimatum and got what he or she wanted. But I’m sure you have also heard about someone who tried to give an ultimatum and it ended badly, maybe that was even you. So why is it that ultimatums work for some people but not for others? It’s all in the way you communicate.
The Webster definition of an ultimatum is: “a final proposition, condition, or demand; especially: one whose rejection will end negotiations and cause a resort to force or other direct action.”
Essentially an ultimatum is a threat — if you do or don’t do this, I’ll do this. Most people don’t respond well to be threatened.
However, we are all responsible for getting our own needs met. So if you have a need you do need to tell your partner what that need is. Not by making a demand, instead by making a request.
Calmly explain what you need, ask your partner if he or she will be able to give it to you. Do not put any kind of condition on your need being met, simply make the request.
If your partner says no, then you need to tell him or her that you cannot stay in a relationship that is not fulfilling your needs. You can express your disappointment but do not become manipulative by trying to change his or her mind. Accept what he or she wants, and take care of your own need by moving on to find someone else who can satisfy you completely.
You should never waste time in a relationship hoping your lover will change. People don’t change unless they want to, and most people don’t want to. You need to hear what he or she tells you and accept their truth, it’s not about you.
I do want to caution you about your timing though if you’re asking for more of a commitment. The first two months of a relationship should just be about having fun together and getting to know each other, nothing more. It takes three to six months of being in an exclusive relationship for people to feel their true feelings, and for their issues to come up. Save any discussions about your future until after your 6 month anniversary.
Call me for a Breakup Rescue if you need support getting through a breakup or figuring out if you can get your ex back.