Are you heartbroken, angry, or obsessing over your ex? You’re not alone—and this episode of the Broken to Brave podcast is exactly what you need. Breakup coach Donna Barnes dives deep into the raw emotions after a breakup and offers real, powerful advice on how to get revenge the right way: by becoming the best version of yourself. Whether you want to get your ex back, move on completely, or just stop the pain, this video helps you stop stalking their socials, stop replaying the past, and start healing. Learn how to channel your heartbreak into strength, confidence, and clarity. Perfect for men and women struggling through heartbreak, first breakups, or toxic exes. Hit play now—and take your power back.
The Transcript:
Look, I get it. Your ex hurt you. So you really want to hurt your ex. Revenge, right? Getting revenge on your ex is something that I frequently talk about with clients. So I thought that this podcast.
Look, I totally get it. Your ex hurt you. So you really want to hurt your ex. You want revenge. But as they say, revenge is a dish best served cold. So that’s what I want to talk to you about today. Getting revenge on your ex.
Welcome to my Broken to Brave podcast. I’m Donna Barnes. And today I want to talk about getting revenge on your ex largely because I hear that from clients all the time. They just want revenge so bad. they really want to like, you just want to hurt someone that’s hurt you, right? Like, however, the best revenge is success, right? And you know, your, your ex really doesn’t care what you’re doing, right? And if you do anything to
really hurt your ex, then A, now, I mean, if you do something that’s a crime, you’re going to destroy the rest of your life, right? And most people aren’t trying to be that drastic, but you also don’t want to leave a bad impression, right? Like, especially if they’ve left you for somebody else. Now they’re telling that somebody else, all the things that you’re doing, right? You’re your topic of conversation for them in a really negative, nasty way. And
I just want to encourage you to take the high road, right? I think, yeah, it’s really painful when someone rips your art out. And we all have fantasies of how we would like to hurt them back or how we want to run into them when we’re just absolutely fabulous, right? So lean on that version of revenge, which is really the best revenge anyway. I think to run into your ex and to be really in a good place, I think is very empowering and is the best
The message that you can send is that, yeah, I’m fine without you, right? And unfortunately, people get with new partners and they want to flaunt that in their ex’s face. They want to let them know, like, yeah, I found somebody better. And that’s just all really petty stuff. I’m not a fan of, I think ignorance is bliss when it comes to what your ex is doing. I mean, you the whole cyber stalking thing, right? I’ve talked to that at length, right?
I, I, I, people still do it. They can’t help themselves. It’s, it’s about control, right? You, you, you have no idea what your ex is doing. You can’t control it. So you go to their social media because that gives you a glimpse into what you’re, they’re doing. And it makes you feel like you have more control, but you can’t unsee something once you see it. And that’s, that’s the biggest reason why not to look at people’s social media, because if they’re posting things that they’re with somebody else or they’re just,
And honestly, sometimes they post something that is just somebody you don’t know and then now you assume it’s a new person in their life that maybe it’s just a friend. Maybe it’s somebody completely irrelevant. mean, like years ago, my sister actually posted a picture of me and her neighbor on Thanksgiving and he was wearing this big turkey hat and she posted it on Facebook without saying anything to me. And for years, people were like, do have a new boyfriend? saw your boy. I was like, wait, what? No. Like, and then I realized what everybody was talking about. was like,
it’s my sister’s neighbor. Right. So I think that’s the whole point about why you don’t cyber stalk because if you see something that you don’t like and it hurts you, you can’t ask about it because you shouldn’t have been looking and you can’t unsee it once you saw it. So without getting off topic, cyber stalking is only going to hurt you. And I think ignorance is bliss when it comes to what your ex is doing and
really the best revenge is to become the best version of yourself. And they say everything, people come into our life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. And if the reason your ex was in your life was to teach you something, then find that lesson. What were you supposed to have learned from this relationship? What are you supposed to take away from it? And I’ll tell you knowledge is the only thing that will make you feel better. It’s the only thing that’s ever made me feel better. You need to understand it.
What happened? What’s going on? What can I do better? And honestly, the way I became a coach is because the first time I ever had my heart ripped out, a girlfriend of mine gave me an awesome book that I devoured and realized that it made me feel better. So, and my brain just kind of hangs on to information, right? So at this point, you know, it’s what like, geez, almost three decades later, I’ve acquired a lot of knowledge, right? So that’s.
why I’ve started this podcast. Send me your questions. I would love to talk about things that you would like to hear. me your comments. Let me know if you agree with me. If you don’t agree with me, what you think, what you’re feeling, let me know. And I, this is all about things that I would like to help you with. And honestly, that’s the things I usually talk about when I talk to a client and we talk about something that I feel like a lot of people can identify with. That’s how I come up with the topics for my podcasts.
So I would love to know what you would like me to put in my next podcast. yeah, so anyway, back on my original topic of getting revenge on your ex. As they say, that’s a dish best served cold, right? So journal about it, I think is the best way. mean, you know, we all like to run that metal highlight reel of all the great things that went on or all the things that we really would like to do, right? I mean,
Look, I get that I’m a runner, right? Like I have my best runs when I’m so lost in thought in my head about something, right? Especially if it’s troubling to me, right? Because that gives me more motivation, which honestly, that is the best thing. I don’t know if you’re a runner or not, but exercise in general is a natural antidepressant and it will get you in great shape. I think that’s what most people do when they go through a breakup. They throw themselves into working out.
which is good for you on all sorts of levels. First of all, that’s the best revenge that you can get on an ex is to become the best version of yourself is to get in fabulous shape. And then maybe you don’t even want your ex anymore, right? So I think looking good and feeling good are just good for you in the first place. So if you’re really struggling and you’re fantasizing about how you’d really like to hurt your ex, use that motivation and get
like cardio, right? Like I run, but you could jump rope. You could ride your bike, you know, take a spinning class, just something to get your heart rate up and to really work out some of that aggression, right? Because look, I mean, there’s five stages of grief. When, someone breaks your heart, it’s grief. And we all have to go through those five stages. And the first one’s usually denial, right? People come to me and go, how do I get my ex back? Like everybody.
first doesn’t believe that it’s over and wants to get their ex back. Although I will tell you in all the years of coaching people, could count on one hand, the amount of people that I really felt should try to get their ex back. You know, it’s like, there was a book that was called like, you know, it’s called a breakup because it’s broken. And yeah, most relationships end because something is broken. And if that thing that was broken doesn’t get fixed.
Even if you do get back together, it’s going to break up all over again. And unfortunately, you know, I mean, so many people have come to me for coaching after someone’s really ripped their heart out. And a lot of people say, do they ever get help? Do people like this ever get help? And the unfortunate answer is no, they don’t because they don’t think they need help. They unfortunately keep going from relationship to relationship and breaking more hearts because
It just doesn’t feel right to them or it doesn’t, you know, I mean, look, there’s a whole bucket list of, of fears, right? People have fear of failure, fear of success, fear of abandonment, right? Fear of commitment. There’s fear of intimacy, right? There’s, there’s all sorts of fears that prevent people from having happy, successful relationships. And you can’t fix somebody, unfortunately.
as much as you may want to, right? Like, I mean, there was a show called, I love you, you’re perfect, now change, right? You know, cause you have great chemistry with somebody and you feel like you really connected, but as you get to know them, you start to realize that, maybe we’re not that right for each other, but you just really connected with them and you really want them back, right? So I think really being able to recognize who exactly that person is. We all romanticize people, right? And,
You know, you say you got to knock them off that pedestal, right? You have your ex on a pedestal that you think he or she is just the most amazing person and you need to knock them off that pedestal. They’re not. If for no other reason that they hurt you, right? The number one question to ask to define the quality of your relationship is do I feel loved? So if you’re not feeling loved.
it’s not a good relationship and your ex is not making you feel loved if they left you, right? And the pain that they caused you, right? Like focus on that because all that good stuff that happened in the beginning is not what your relationship is. It’s really not. I say to so many clients, cause they always say, but it was so amazing. It was so this, it was so that. Yeah, it was, but it’s not that anymore.
And you need to look at what it is today. And in today, your ex doesn’t want to be with you, right? So you, you really would be better off served. I, I easier said than done to not think about them, but like, you can’t say I’m not going to think about somebody. have to find something else to think about. So getting in shape is definitely a good part of that, but also get out with your friends, get out with people that you haven’t seen in a while and don’t talk about your ex.
I think as you talk about it, you relive it like it happened all over again. So stop talking about it. In fact, I love to go out with people that I don’t see all that often that really didn’t know my ex. That’s not going to ask about my ex. That isn’t going to, and I can just pretend that that’s not part of my life, which it’s not anymore, which is the point, right? If you go out with friends that you haven’t seen in a while that didn’t know your ex anyway, that’s really good for you because then you won’t be.
sucked into talking about it if they ask you questions about it, right? And look, if you have very close friends that are very nosy and want to know what’s going on, feel free to say to them, hey, look, I am really trying to get over this and I don’t want to talk about him or her, right? Ignorance is bliss. I just want to leave it in the rear view mirror. So I think the more you can focus on becoming your best self and living your best life and
doing things that you weren’t able to do while you were in the relationship. mean, that’s the best thing about being single is you have complete control over your time. Maybe it’s time to do some spring cleaning and clean out some closets or, or clean out, you know, donate a bunch of old clothes that you haven’t worn in a long time or, you know, definitely get in shape, but also maybe then, you know, get together with people that you hadn’t seen in a while, because I mean, that’s the biggest thing when you get in a relationship, you start doing things as a couple. then
Sometimes you don’t get to see people that are really important to you as much. And instead of focusing all that negative energy on how can I get back at my ex that hurt me, I think if you focus that positively on what can I do for myself to make myself feel better, you will feel better. And you do have to go through the five stages of grief, right? And you know, the first one is denial where you’re like, how do I get my ex back? Right? Cause you think…
that it’s the perfect relationship for you, right? But you know, you will get to anger, right? Which is why you want revenge. You’re so angry. You’re angry at your ex. You hurt me. I want to hurt you, right? That’s all part of the anger stage, but it doesn’t mean that you have to act on it. fact, I highly encourage you not to and to channel that energy into something positive for yourself. you know, depression is a piece of it too. Like you will get through.
depression, And bargaining, right? You all, you want to reach out to your ex and say, Hey, look, I, especially if you’re doing self growth stuff, think the urge to then tell your ex, look, I’m better now. Look at, look, look, look at me now. Right? Like, do you like me now is, the subtext of that, which is not helpful. Right? Like the whole bargaining stage is that you can be better. Let’s try it again. But honestly, that usually falls on deaf ears. So that bargaining stage.
you need to keep to yourself and do the self-growth work, but preparing for your next relationship with somebody else better because you learned from this one, right? Look for the lesson in what you learned from this relationship so that you don’t repeat it in the next one. eventually acceptance, like you get to acceptance, which is when you’re truly ready to date and find someone new.
and the valuable lessons that you learned. And for me, I do feel like after each breakup, the next relationship was better because I took what I learned from that one and then made a better choice in the next person. And that’s a great way to look at a breakup is that you learn something from it, right? So.
Revenge is tempting. I completely understand the desire to hurt somebody who’s hurt you. However, you really just continue to hurt yourself when you do that because you make you look bad, right? I mean, any, any kind of negative energy or toxic, you know, communication or telling someone off or whatever it is that you think you’re trying to do to get revenge is not going to
show you in your best light, which I think you’ll regret later. I really do. I think that’s not, and look, I mean, you see stories all the time on, on, you know, magazine shows of exes that just got crazy and, and kill somebody, right? You know, my father used to say, are you going to say you’re sorry when you kill somebody? Right. Some things you can’t just be sorry about. need to be conscientious and make better decisions, which is what I’m trying to encourage you to do. If you really feel like you want.
revenge on your ex because be careful what you wish for, right? Because depending on who your ex is, they also might retaliate again, which leaves you then in a really, you know, uncomfortable at the least position, which is not helpful to you, right? Take the high road, take the high road and focus all that anger, which is part of
the grief process and getting over your ex on becoming the best version of yourself. Right? I mean, I actually created an online course. If you’re interested, I’ll put the link in the comments that can really help to hold your hand. And anytime you feel like you want to reach out to your ex, watch a couple of my videos instead. Like I spent hours and actually I’d been living with a guy. was going through my own breakup while I made that breakup recovery action plan, because I knew exactly what.
You know, look, I’ve had more breakups than I wish I’d ever had, which is why I’m speaking from experience. And I really, you know, put a lot of thought into how I could hold your hand and best serve you in my breakup recovery action plan. So yeah, the link is in the comments. If you, in the description below, if you’re interested in, you know, a really
deeper dive into becoming the best version of yourself and also scrutinize who your ex is to a get over your ex and recognize why they weren’t good for you. And, or if they were good for you, how you could potentially get them back. And you know, nothing changes if nothing changes, right? If you were to ever get your ex back, something needs to be different than it was before, or you’re just going to break up again. Right? So.
Yeah, I highly recommend my online course if you’re really struggling to get over somebody.
So yes, breakups are difficult and they’re hard and they evoke all sorts of emotions that perhaps you never felt before. Right? I get a lot of people that come to me for coaching because they’ve never had their heart broken before and they just don’t know how to deal with it. So if that’s you, I’m here for you. Right. But like, it’s a lot, it’s a lot to process. It’s a lot to go through and revenge.
is a dish best served cold, right? I think be really thoughtful about how you want people to view you. And you certainly don’t want to put yourself in any kind of situation that can, I mean, look, with social media, people can post all sorts of stuff that can really damage your reputation, even damage your ability to get a job depending on what you do. So you just want to take the high road, right? Take the high road.
And look, you don’t want somebody that doesn’t want you. Just keep telling yourself, right? And I know you really thought that person was amazing and like, that’s the one. you, you know, it’s, it’s a process. It doesn’t happen overnight, but you need to keep telling yourself that the loving person that you’re missing is not who your ex is. And you’d really do much better off like healing and getting over your ex.
and learning from it so that you can be really prepared for your next relationship that can hopefully last for the rest of your life, right? Because that that doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. And that is absolutely true with relationships. I was a nightmare in my twenties. I’d never had my heart broken. I’d not gotten my way, but I’d never had my heart broken. And I was maybe not that nice to some people who really cared about me.
because I was just so self-absorbed, right? But I think have you had your heart broken is a defining question because it just gives you a different kind of compassion and a different death. yeah, I had one guy that came to me for coaching at 49 years old, very successful guy, had never had his heart broken. And then this girl ripped his heart out and he just really couldn’t deal with it.
And he went out to a dinner party and was talking to this girl who was saying that, her fiancé is now with her best friend and how they, it came up because he said something about like riding a bike and she said, yeah, I had a bike. My ex has it. Who’s now with my best friend that like, you know, we were planning our wedding, and he was telling me this because he had so much compassion for it and was just commiserating with her and just really could feel her pain. But we were laughing about it because he said,
Yeah, wow. Before I had my heart ripped out, I would have been like, that’s a shame. And I wouldn’t have even wanted to have that conversation with her. Right. So it’s exactly my point that it may not feel like this was a good thing for you, but I promise you it’s giving you depth and it’s giving you a different perspective. Right. We don’t know what we don’t know and we can’t feel something that we haven’t felt. So if this is your first breakup, it’s actually really, really good for you that. you’re finding a deeper level of compassion.
Think about that. I know this doesn’t feel like a good thing, but I promise you it is.
In a parting note, it’s human nature to want to get revenge on your ex, but the best revenge is to become the best version of yourself. And that’s what I highly recommend.