Struggling with heartbreak and tempted to reach out to your ex? In this powerful episode of the Broken to Brave podcast, relationship coach Donna Barnes shares hard truths for men and women going through a breakup. If you’re feeling devastated, in denial, or desperate to tell your ex how you feel—this is a must-watch. Discover why pouring your heart out, playing the victim, or trying to “win them back” often backfires and keeps you stuck in emotional limbo. Whether it’s your first heartbreak or you’re still clinging to hope, learn how to stop chasing closure, regain your self-respect, and start healing.
Let me virtually hold your hand with my Breakup Recovery Action Plan: https://go.donnabarnes.com/full-course-sign-up
Sign up for Virtual Coaching with me: https://www.breakup.expert/asap-breakup-help/
The Transcript:
Your ex does not care how you feel. And sending all your emotion or playing the victim or whatever way you’re trying to get your ex to really take you back or feel sorry for you is falling on deaf ears. And it’s really damaging to your self-esteem.
Welcome to my Broken to Brave podcast. I’m Donna Barnes. And in this episode, I want to talk about their ex just doesn’t care how you feel. And the reason I’m talking about it is because I had made a video, short video about this a while ago, and someone recently commented on it and said, you’re the only person that said this. So I thought it was really worth talking about deeper because look, the first stage of grief is denial and then bargaining, right? So most people really do.
think they have valid reasons of something they need to tell their ex or reach out to their ex or to plead their case to their ex about how you thought the relationship was really good. But as a relationship coach for more than 18 years now, I can’t even tell you how many people have said to me, wrote me this book about why she thought we worked when clearly I didn’t think it worked. That’s why I broke up with her. Right? So that’s exactly my point. Usually someone breaks up.
out of a loving relationship, and especially if it was sudden and it feels really just out of left field and you’re just left baffled going, wait, no, I know you love me. I know you love me. And you’re trying to plead that case. Here’s what you need to know. That’s probably anxiety driven and all of your emotion that you’re trying to send at it is making it worse and is making him or her feel like they just need to get farther and farther away from you. So
Ignorance is bliss and less is more when it comes to what your ex is doing or how you’re communicating. Because if especially if you’re playing the victim, I’ll fall too often people play the victim like they you know and and actually unfortunately I think a lot of people consider suicide and then therefore tell their ex that they’re considering suicide and they’re really tragic.
statistic about suicide is if someone’s really thinking about taking their own life, they don’t tell anybody because they don’t want anybody to stop them. However, I find when you’re going through a breakup, it’s a common really manipulation tactic to tell your ex that you don’t want to live anymore, to get them to want to rescue you, right? You’re the victim and you need rescuing. But I promise you all it’s doing is damaging your
your image in your ex’s eyes. It’s making you look weak and certainly not attractive, which if there’s anything at all that you’re feeling really passionate that you need to send to your ex as far as your emotions, it’s going to fall on deaf ears. It’s really much more empowering to write those things down on a, you know, with pen and paper because your brain processes information better when you’re physically writing.
But I think anything at all that you try to send to your ex is making it worse. And you need to think of it that way. If you’re pleading your case about this could be better and that could be better and this could be better. If your ex is willing to have a conversation with you because they initiated it and they are looking to maybe explore how things could come back together. That’s when that, that information sharing is appropriate, but just
You know, people text, people email, however it is that you’re trying to send your emotions to your ex. Just stop, just push the pause button and really focus all that energy on yourself and feeling better for yourself. And yet writing it down really helps your brain release it. It really does. There’s something magical about it that like writing with pen on paper. It’s like somehow your brain thinks, okay, well that’s there. If I need to like access it, I have it. So you can let it go and stop ruminating about it.
which is keeping you in pain. So really less is more when it comes to your ex. And look, we all do it. We all think of something that, I should have told them this or, I have something of his, I need to give it back or her, right? There’s always some reason that seems really valid that you can come up with of why you need to communicate with your ex. But I promise you that’s not helping at all. If you have something of your exes that is really important to them,
and you have this overwhelming desire to get it back to them, then put it in a box and mail it to them or drop it off somewhere that you know that they will get it. Give it to a friend of theirs or something. think get it out of your eyesight for sure. In fact, I’m a big fan of if you don’t want to throw stuff away, put it in a box and get it out of your eyesight. But try not to interact with your ex.
And if you’re really honest with yourself, if there’s something that you feel like you really need to interact with your ex about, ask yourself, what is it that I’m really trying to get here? Because if you’re really honest with yourself, what you’re really trying to get is them to be interested in at least having a conversation with you about trying again. And that’s usually not what happens just because you reach out. And here’s the thing too, hope is a really damaging emotion.
when it comes to wanting a relationship back, right? You can be hopeful about all sorts of things in your life that are good for you, but hoping to get your ex back will keep you in limbo for a really long time. And limbo sucks, right? Because you can’t control it, right? You’re, you’re desperately wanting something that you cannot control. I mean, I once had a coaching client offer me $10,000 to get his ex back.
And I said to him, that’s not even fair because people have free will. No one can make anyone do anything. And to that point, there’s all sorts of stuff out there on the internet of people going here, me this amount of money and I’ll get your ex back. This is guaranteed to get your ex back. There is absolutely no guarantee to get your ex back that you can control. The only way you’re possibly going to get your ex back is if independently on their own, your ex decides that they want to come back to you. Because otherwise,
They’ve already made their decision. And I don’t say this to hurt you, but they don’t want to be with you. They don’t care what you’re thinking. They don’t care how you’re feeling. And they certainly don’t want to be made to feel guilty about the decision that they made to get out of the relationship. And I think that’s relevant too. I mean, years ago, I was going through a painful breakup and I said that to my guy. I was, you know, saying things that he had promised me, right? Broken promises are the hardest part of a breakup, right? Cause you’re like, you promised me.
And then you didn’t keep your word. Right. So, but, but he said to me, you’re just trying to make me feel guilty. And I said, no, I’m trying to make you take responsibility for the promises that you made, but he still left me. Right. So, and that’s my entire point. And, and actually most people that I’ve been in a relationship with, I’ve had some sort of friendly, you if you bump into each other, you talk and stuff like that. Not the case with that guy. Right. He completely shut down.
largely because he was very Catholic and the Catholic guilt, right? know, which just, that just reinforces my point. It is not helpful to be reaching out to your ex in any way whatsoever. fact, I really like to say your ex should be 100 % out of your life or 100 % in. And if you can’t control the 100 % in part, then you need to choose the 100 % out because that’s the only thing that you can control.
If you give yourself that 100 % out rule, it’ll help you prevent, it’ll prevent you from sending.
If you can adapt a hundred percent out of your life rule, it’ll help you not want to come up with ideas and reasons or things that you need to interact with your ex about. Because I promise you, none of that is helpful. None of that is helpful. The only way it’s helpful is if your ex initiates any kind of dialogue or communication and frequently an ex will just text something simple like, and nothing else. I highly recommend not responding to that because
That’s just fishing to see if you’re still interested or, not because they want you back, right? That’s a slippery slope. You heard from your ex, now you think, oh, we’re getting back together. They want me, but that’s not true, right? Like even though someone doesn’t want to be in a relationship anymore, they still have to break the habit of having you in their life. And that’s…
not something that usually does cold turkey. mean, people ghost, but then they do frequently wander back sometime later because it’s a little bit of closure for them. But it doesn’t mean that they want you back. And yeah, that that’s a frequent occurrence. Sometimes like, you know, I’m more than six months later, but usually within a year, sometimes more than a year. But like your ex will want to come back and have a little like kind of fling with you. But it’s really more about closure. It’s not
And be really careful if that happens because you’ll rip the bandaid off and then now you’re back to square one and really missing that person and, pining for them if you still have loving feelings towards them. So should your ex come back and want to talk about, you know, kind of hooking up and they don’t usually talk about it. They want to get together with you and then kind of manipulate you into hooking up. And you’re usually so crazy about them and miss them so much that you’re more than happy to participate in that.
but then that’s going to leave you hurt later. So try to really maintain your power if that happens and flat out ask, what is your intention here? Do you think that we could make it last long-term? Is that why you’re back? Or are you just exploring, you know, what’s going on in my life? Or is this just closure for you? Because people do like to have closure on, on some sort of level.
And you can’t always get that the way you want it. Like we would all love to sit down and have a really honest heart to heart talk with our ex about why they’re leaving and what doesn’t work. And what most people don’t want to participate in that. Right. So usually have to get your own closure and you can do that by writing and journaling and really deciding that you don’t want somebody who’s really hurt you the way your ex has. And do I feel loved?
is the number one question to define the quality of your relationship. So is your ex making you feel loved right now? I don’t think so, right? So you don’t want someone who doesn’t want you. And I know that’s oversimplifying it, but if you can tell yourself that, if you’re thinking about reaching out to your ex in any way whatsoever, is this going to help my ex want me? And the answer really is no, because
You’re just giving them a fix of you. Like it’s like, it’s, it’s a habit of interacting with somebody and your ex probably misses you on some level. And they certainly miss certain things about the relationship. Usually it’s not everything that you don’t like about something. Right. So frequently exes want to keep the good parts, but not be fully participating in the relationship. And unfortunately, if you’re crazy in love with that person, you usually allow them to really make you a doormat.
in whatever version of them in your life they allow you because you’re just so crazy about them. You’re just so happy to have them in your life at all. But that is really not good for you. And it is making you a doormat to them. it’s losing, they’re losing respect for you that they can just walk all over you and you will take it. So really take the high road and value yourself more. You really have to love yourself more that
anything at all that your ex is offering that is not a hundred percent commitment back in the relationship with you, you should say no to, as it’s just going to prolong your heartache and it’s going to prevent you from bringing anybody else into your life that could be really good for you. If you could get this person out of your life and people who linger for years, decades, sometimes pining for someone who’s not available to them anymore.
but they feel like that was the best person and that they can’t find any better. And that’s a self-fulfilling prophecy, right? If you believe with all of your heart and soul that that was the only person for you and you will never find anything better, you won’t because you’re not open to it. But if you can value yourself more and love yourself most and recognize, don’t want someone who’s not making me feel loved, who’s not showing up for me, who’s not there for me, who doesn’t value my feelings.
I mean, that’s the takeaway, right? You want somebody who is an active participant in your life, making you feel loved and nothing less than that. sending little communications to your ex is just giving them that little fix of you to help them move forward. And think of it that way. Any kind of connection you have with your ex without them coming back and saying, I love you. I want to try again. I made a huge mistake.
It’s just giving them a little fix of you to make them feel okay and to help them moving on without you. So don’t participate in that if that’s not what you want. And like, really, we’re going to tell ourselves whatever we need to tell ourselves to make ourselves feel better. And if your ex is not part of your life anymore, you can make up any story that you want about what your ex is. I mean, don’t go spreading that to your friends, but if in your head you, you need to tell yourself that
Well, you know, he or she is just incapable of having a truly loving relationship. And because I love them so much, they’re just not able to handle it. You can tell yourself that. But for whatever reason you decide makes you feel better, you need to recognize that your ex is not coming back. At least not for good. In my 18 years of coaching somebody, I can count on one hand the amount of times that somebody’s ex actually came back.
And then it was a better relationship. So I’m a big fan of writing a cons list with pen on paper, write down all the things that you did not like about your ex, things that you couldn’t do in your life because your ex was in your life. Write a cons list. Forget the pros. You knew the pros, right? You’re probably running that metal highlight reel of all the pros, which by the way, stop doing that. It’s really not helpful to you. We talk about ripping the bandaid off.
You run that mental highlight reel and then you get snapped back to reality when you’re not running that mental highlight reel and your ex isn’t part of your life, which is hurting you all over again. And that self-fulfilling prophecy of like, you know, it’s, it’s a little bit of an addiction, right? You, those feelings, those memories of all the good things feels good. That’s why you think about it. But then when you like forced to be participating in reality, the pain of your ex not being with you anymore is really prevalent.
So think about that and write down all the things with pen on paper that you really didn’t like about your ex. I guarantee you there was, there’s things. And if you thought that person was absolutely perfect, I promise you they weren’t because perfect doesn’t exist. And the fact that they’re not making you feel loved anymore is the biggest con. You, you really need two people participating in a partnership and
and being each other’s best friend. So if you’re not getting that from your ex, that’s a tremendous con that you need to write on pen on paper. And I find it very helpful if you make like a bullet list on pen on paper of the things that don’t work. then, yeah, you write a pen on paper, if you want to copy it to a computer document and then hang it up as like a vision board.
somewhere above your desk or above your bed or in your bathroom or wherever you think you will see it most of all the things that you don’t like about your ex or that didn’t work about the relationship. And when you feel like you’re missing your ex, go back and read that cons list again. It’ll help keep your thoughts going in the right direction. Your thoughts create your feelings. And yes, we have our emotional response center, but our thoughts is what kind of
it not kind of our thoughts are what generate our feelings, which are feelings are what is our emotional response center reacts to. Right. Cause I had this conversation with somebody years ago. said, well, if your thoughts create your feelings, what about your emotional response center that like you that punched in the gut feeling that you just write that is all connected to your thoughts. And that doesn’t change overnight. That’s not something that you can just say, okay, I don’t think that anymore.
But if you really get to a point, it’s acceptance, right? It’s acceptance in the grief process that when you get to acceptance, it’s not going to punch it in the gut anymore. Right? So that’s exactly what I mean that your thoughts create your feelings, which will eventually develop your emotional response center to not give you that punched in the gut feeling anymore. So without getting completely off topic, your ex just doesn’t care.
Right? No matter what you think, oh, I need to tell her this or him this. I need to reach out. I need to communicate. No, you don’t push the pause button and write it out. I really, I can’t say that enough. Write it out. think it’s, it’ll help you get it off of your mind and help you release it, but don’t send it. I know so many clients, friends, people in my life. I’ve been guilty of this too.
can’t sleep and you’re up and you start writing an email to like write down your thoughts and then you send it to your ex, which is usually not helpful, right? Depending on, especially if you were nasty, if you’re going to do that at all, make sure you’re not nasty because that is not going to help your case if you’re trying to get your ex back. But you know, people do what they want to do and your ex left you because there was something about it.
that was uncomfortable for them, that wasn’t working for them. And they are trying to move on. So any communication from you is going to give them that little fix of you, which is helping them move on. So if that’s not what you want, stop reaching out to your ex.