Have you ever wondered, “Am I a narcissist?” Maybe your ex called you one, and now you’re questioning yourself. In this episode of the Broken to the Brave podcast, relationship coach Donna Barnes breaks down what it really means to be a narcissist—and why simply asking the question is often proof that you’re not. Learn the key differences between narcissistic tendencies and full-blown narcissistic personality disorder, and discover the red flags that can help you recognize toxic relationships. If you’re struggling with self-doubt after a breakup or feel confused by your partner’s behavior, this episode offers clarity, reassurance, and insight. Perfect for men and women worried about being labeled a narcissist, this is your guide to self-awareness, healing, and growth.
Transcript:
Do you think you’re a narcissist? Did your ex say that you’re a narcissist and now you’re wondering and you’re a little concerned? Are you worried that perhaps maybe you are a narcissist?
That’s what this episode is about. Welcome to my Broken to the Brave podcast. I’m Donna Barnes. And today I want to talk about you thinking that you’re a narcissist because few people have said to me recently, am I a narcissist? And the very simple response to that is the very fact that you’re asking means you’re not a narcissist because a narcissist can’t feel empathy. Their brain is not capable of feeling empathy, which is why they can’t really love.
They can, they’re usually highly intelligent and they can mimic what loving behavior is because they’re smart enough to have observed that in other people. And unfortunately, narcissists are usually very attractive people. And it’s much more common in men than in women and some pretty amazing and beautiful women have really fallen victim to narcissists.
But the very simple fact boils down to the fact that you’re self aware enough that you’re asking the question. Like seriously, genuinely wondering if you’re a narcissist means you’re not because it means that you are self reflective and that you’re concerned about how others are interacting with you.
Narcissists don’t like to be wrong and they don’t like to be criticized and they usually they can really actually become violent if you criticize them or try to make them see that they’re wrong. And look, when you’re going through a breakup or especially a divorce, I think it’s very common to think that your ex is a narcissist largely because especially if you’re a very busy professional. You’re very successful. You have a big job.
Men like that frequently get called narcissists, but it doesn’t mean that you are. And especially if you’re watching this video, because you think that you are, I can assure you, you absolutely are not because you wouldn’t be watching this video if you were. And that’s really the biggest takeaway because look, you can have narcissistic tendencies and not be a narcissist. That’s where the confusion comes in.
Everybody is capable of having narcissistic tendencies at some point or another. We all tend to be a little bit self-absorbed sometimes, and that’s good. We’re all responsible for taking care of our own needs. So if we’re taking care of our own needs, when someone else wants us, then it’s just too easy to be labeled a narcissist. But I think that term is far too overused these days.
In fact, if you Google that, there’s a plethora of information about it, which is kind of why I wanted to talk about it because I have had some pretty serious conversations with men in my own life recently that have asked me that. And again, I will say the fact that you’re asking means that you are not a narcissist because a true narcissist doesn’t care about someone else’s feelings. They can’t feel empathy. So they don’t care what anybody thinks about them. They really don’t. I mean, they want everybody to love them actually. So on that level, they care, but they don’t really care. It’s a self-serving need that they have to be admired and adored by everybody. But it’s not a genuinely caring about another person’s feelings or how another person might view them.
True narcissists are are frightening to get involved with because they can’t really love. So if you fall in love with somebody who’s not capable of really loving you, that’s why narcissists are really dangerous and they’re really good at hiding it. They’re usually very charming and very intelligent and they can mimic largely because they want to get what they want. Especially if you’re a very attractive person.
Man or woman, gay or straight, if the narcissist is very attracted to, they’re going to turn on the charm to get you to want to be involved with them. And unfortunately, narcissists don’t usually know that they’re a narcissist, they’re also not looking for help. They’re not looking for self growth work. They’re not looking to see how they could do something better.
I’ve had so many people come to me for coaching after their ex left them. And they ask, do people like that ever get help? And the sad thing is, is no, they don’t because they’re too self-absorbed and too wrapped up in their own thing. They just think you’re not right for them. So they’re just trying to run away from you.
It’s not important enough to them to want to get help and to want to evaluate their own behavior in something. If you blame, you miss the lesson, right? If you’re going through a breakup and you’re just blaming your ex for everything, then you’re not going to learn anything. But if you’re really looking at your participation in it and what you can learn from it and what you can do better so that your next relationship is that much better. That’s how you learn something.
To make your next relationship better and your choice in your next partner better is really the biggest piece of that because…
Once we’re in a relationship, it does take two, but it’s all up to you who you choose to get in that relationship with. And you really need to choose wisely because…
I think unfortunately, when you have great chemistry with somebody, you tend to ignore all the red flags that they’re waving and you’re not paying attention to all the reasons. As a breakup coach, everybody says they can put their finger on something that they’re now ex said during the course of the relationship that foreshadowed how they were going to break up. And it gave them pause and they heard it, but they didn’t listen to their gut that it was a problem.
I guess that’s why I’m talking about it because yeah, it’s a problem. When people make jokes about things that like, I never had a relationship last more than a year or, yeah, well, you know, it’s cause I have commitment issues or like things that they say in passing is their truth. And that’s not about you. And it’s not about how much you love them. That’s their truth. And you can’t change it.
The sad thing is because everybody wants to, everybody tries to change their partner. They recognize that there’s an issue and they want to fix them. They want to change them and I’m guilty of that. I coach people for a living. So if I’m dating somebody and I can see that there’s something that they really need to work on, it’s really hard for me not to bring it to their attention. Right. But yeah, if they don’t ask me, I don’t because, you don’t know. No one wants to feel criticized.
I think it’s really hard if you can see something in your partner that really is troubling and that you think they need to work on. You could say, Hey, just something that I’ve observed, something you might want to consider, you know, but, if your partner is a narcissist, it’s going to shut them down and they may attack you. Maybe not physically, maybe physically.
But definitely verbally, they’re going to turn it around and make you a horrible human being for having been mentioned that there might be something wrong with them. And if you’re in a relationship with someone who’s behaving in that way, get out, because that is truly a narcissist. If they’re making you, like gaslighting, right? Where someone’s making you question what you know to be reality is really the definition of gaslighting. So if your partner is now trying to make you feel badly because you…
mentioned something that you thought might be helpful to them, get out of that relationship because I promise you it’s only going to get worse. It’s going to get much worse. The cycle of an abusive relationship is usually, the first time something happens. The abuser feels badly and will apologize to get you to stay with them, right? But then it’s going to happen again.
And each time it’s going to get a little bit worse and the apology is going to get a little bit worse. And until it’s just not even an apology anymore, it’s just evolved to constant abuse. And that is the cycle of abuse. So if you can get out, when you see the beginning flashes of that, you can save yourself a lot of heartache and waste wasted time, right? People linger for years in relationships that are bad instead of cutting their losses and getting out.
After a relationship like that, it’s really helpful to reach out and talk to somebody like, like there’s a link in the description below to sign up for coaching with me. I’ve helped a awful lot of particularly women, but also men get out of highly toxic relationships with somebody that they were crazy about. Just loving someone is never enough to make the relationship a loving true good relationship. That’s the hardest thing to, for a lot of people after a breakup to recognize that you can love somebody with all your heart and soul, but they’re not making you happy and they’re not good for you. And if you can see that it’s easier to walk away. I actually really specialize in helping people see how toxic their relationship really is because toxic relationships don’t always scream that they’re toxic.
And unfortunately I’ve coached an awful lot of people who came to me in highly toxic relationships and they were shocked when I said to them that it was a toxic relationship. So that’s exactly what I’m talking about. If you are dating somebody that in any way is making you feel like you’re crazy and things that you know to be true. When you say to them that they make you doubt your sanity, right?
That is an abusive situation and most likely a narcissist without getting topic of the narcissist. The narcissist is highly manipulative and will jump through hoops to try to make you see them as this perfect being and they can’t be wrong and they can’t apologize and they are very manipulative. So.
If you’ve ever dated one, know exactly what I’m talking about. And if you’re watching this because you think you’re a narcissist, if you’re not recognizing those behaviors in yourself, then you are not a narcissist. And if you are, then I also offer coaching that, you know, the fact that you would be open to coaching and that you’re even watching a video like this, or that you’re open to hearing that maybe you need to change your behavior means you’re not an actual narcissist, but you may have narcissistic tendencies.
Unfortunately, I’ve coached clients who grew up with a narcissistic father that they do model some of the behaviors, but that can be unlearned. One of my favorite clients who came to me because he thought he was a narcissist and is now in a fabulous relationship, where prior to coming to me, he didn’t think that he was capable. So you can have narcissistic tendencies and you may havelearned narcissistic behavior, but it doesn’t mean that you’re a narcissist. And if you are watching this video because you would like to change that behavior, then you can.
I’d be more than happy to help you. If you click this link, then you can sign up for coaching with me. I’d be more than happy to help you. It’s not possible to be open to self growth and to looking at your own behavior and taking responsibility for it. If your brain is classically a narcissistic brain.
A true narcissist is not interested in self-growth. They’re just not. And they’re really not that self-aware. They’re self-important, but not that self-aware.