Do you think you really connected, but now it’s suddenly over, and you don’t even know what happened? It was going so well! How could someone’s feelings change so fast?
Well, unfortunately, it really can be as simple as one wrong statement. We are seeing that happen everywhere in today’s “cancel culture”. Many times it seems unfair. But the reality is our thoughts create our feelings. Our thoughts form our perception too. Our perception is our reality — so when something you say paints a picture of you as “undesirable”, it can be very difficult to change people’s perception of you…especially if you didn’t even realize what you said.
Commonality is a must
I have consistently said commonality is what makes relationships last long-term. That’s not just that you like to do the same things, it means you have the same ethics, values, and goals. If you said something that revealed a philosophy that doesn’t align with that of your partner, it could have been the deal-breaker.
In my video above, I tell the story of a very attractive guy I met on Tinder several years ago when I was visiting my brother’s beach house in Rehoboth Beach, Delaware, which has a large gay friendly population. He was divorced with two younger children and seemed like a very interesting and nice man. Until he told me he didn’t care for all “the gays” in his town. I asked him why he chose to live there if it bothered him, and he expressed he’d always lived there, he’d grown up there. That bothered me even more because he was in his late 40’s. To me, that meant he’d spent his life hating on a group of people, that he really didn’t even know.
He tried to defend his opinion based on his Christian religion (again his choice). I have plenty of Christian friends who fully support gay relationships, even gay marriage. I will never understand how you can consider yourself a good Christian if you have no tolerance for anyone who thinks differently than you do. I told him my brother is gay and married, and they have been together for more than 25 years. My gay brother has a more successful relationship than most straight people I know. This guy’s narrow mind was a deal-breaker for me. But he couldn’t understand why.
He kept calling and asking me out. I told him why I didn’t think we were a good fit. He expressed that wasn’t that important to him. I tried to make him understand it was very important to me. It doesn’t matter how great you think you are together, if your person doesn’t agree. It always takes two.
Do I feel loved?
Additionally, the most important question to determine the quality of your relationship is, “Do I feel loved?” To feel loved, your feelings need to matter. You need to feel heard, cared about, valued, and protected. So if your person trusted you and told you something deeply personal, don’t make them regret it. If you make light of it in any way, or worse make a joke about it, you’ll most likely hurt their feelings, or make them feel judged. That kind of carelessness destroys emotional intimacy. If you were together for a while, it might take a bit of time to really sink in, so you might not be connecting the breakup to your comment. But if you were together less than 6 months, and their feeling hadn’t fully developed, one comment truly could have killed the attraction.
If that’s the case, I’m sorry to tell you he or she is never coming back. Do yourself a favor and don’t keep chasing after her, pleading your case for a second chance. When you chase something, it will run. Value yourself first!