After a breakup, many jilted lovers feel the need to communicate their feelings to their ex. They text, email, and/or call to plead their case to give them another chance. But here’s the truth about breakups, your ex doesn’t care how you feel.
Your ex’s reality is that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you anymore. His perception is it’s not working, and anything you say isn’t going to change his mind. At least not until some time has passed and his emotions have calmed down. So save your dignity, value yourself, and don’t go chasing after someone who doesn’t want you. You deserve better!
I’ve talked to many of my male clients about this. They think girls are crazy when they pour out their feelings about why the relationship does work, or how they can change, after they been told they’re not wanted anymore. Men laugh and find it kind of pathetic. Women tend to be more compassionate about it but it still doesn’t get the desired response—another chance.
On the flip side, when clients tell me they cut all contact as soon as their ex broke up with them they feel empowered. They’re still feeling the pain of the breakup but their ex doesn’t know how much they’re suffering. That’s the first step in feeling better. Out of sight really is how you get to out of mind.
If you have any chance of getting your ex back it’s because you just let go and she missed you. All the texts and other communication you send give your ex “a fix” of you. You’re satisfying any need she has for contact without getting anything in return. That’s another reason not to send anything. Each time you send something you’re setting yourself up for more anxiety to be constantly checking your phone waiting for a response that isn’t going to come.
Plus, any written communication you send can be misconstrued, and frequently is. You’re writing from an emotional state that can be interpreted as anger or bitterness. You most definitely do not want to scold your ex in anyway. No one likes to be criticized, it usually makes people defensive. Playing the victim will do more harm and ruin any loving feelings your ex does still have for you. You are only making yourself look needy and unattractive. If your ex-partner has his own anxiety, all your anxiety is making his much worse.
Especially if your ex has asked you to stop contacting her. Throwing your emotion at anyone who has asked you to stop is harassment. You need to view it as harassment and obsession if all your communication is one sided. If what you truly want is to get your ex back then you need to maintain a stable, self-empowered personality.
I fully understand what it’s like to feel abandoned by someone you love with all of your heart. I also understand the separation anxiety that drives you to reach out to your love to try to change his or her mind. I even understand what’s it’s like to be confused and to be desperately searching to figure out what happened. Any new information you discover you want to share with the object of your desire—to help him understand too—to change his mind. But none of that works.
Don’t fall into the trap of thinking there is a valid reason to contact your ex. There’s not. It’s fine if you still have his stuff. He’ll reach out to get it if he needs it. Just put it in a box and get it out of your sight. There will always be something that you’ll think of that you’ll think your ex needs to know. But do yourself a favor, push the pause button. Remember, your ex doesn’t care. You have to accept his boundary that it is over. That is his reality.